I cannot even put into words how much you scared me last night.

I am reaching the end of my tether.

I hope you do in fact call me late at night or in the early hours this morning, as it is now quite unlikely that i shall be sleeping.

I am pretty sure you are the best friend I have ever had.

I am closer to eighteen than seventeen, nearly an adult.
And I still need to be told to go to bed. It is 1 am. I am trying to tell myself, it isn't going well.

Sometimes I read/think/hear/see my own name and feel incredibly distant from myself all of a sudden, like when you are talking to someone and turn around to realise they aren't there, and have not been for several minutes/sentences/confessions. Or like when you have rested your hand on your leg in the same place for a long time and forget it is there, to look down at it, see it, not feel it, and freak out a little on the inside. Like when you are holding up your weight by a rope and someone swiftly chops it with a cheese knife. Like when you forget the reality of your own existence.

Sometimes I think too much.

When I press 'poke' on facebook, I feel like I am standing next to you, poking your arm repeatedly and saying 'hey, hey you. I am still here. You are still a liar and I am still here to see through it. hey, I'm still here for you. Don't suffer alone, I'm right here worrying about you, wanting you to call.'

Its not that I want you to need help, but I know you already do. I want you to admit that you need it, and ask for it. As much as I would like to, I can't just call you up at all hours of the night to check if you happen to be having a dark moment.

And trust me, it is getting hard to stop myself...





/poke